I’d kind of like to punch this Maureen Dowd-penned Vanity Fair profile on Tina Fey squarely in its tiny waist, small shoulders and ample bosom—because evidently these are responsible for Fey’s simply mind-boggling, meteoric success—not her charm, grace, wit, or just the simple fact that like the greatest comedians of our time, she just fucking gets funny.

Let’s just briefly examine how Dowd refers to Fey (and quotes others referring to Fey):

• [On her transition from Tina Fey, to, well, Hey Heyyyyy, Tina Fey] “’She’ll always see herself as that other, the thing she came from.’”
• [On winning her Emmy] “Given her frumpy start in comedy and her wooden start on 30 Rock, it was a dazzling Cinderella moment (except for Fey’s purse getting stolen while she was onstage). She got her own slipper, writing and willing herself into the role, and the shoe wasn’t glass. It was a silver Manolo Blahnik.”
• [On going on-camera at SNL] “Her makeover is the stuff of legend. The Hollywood agent Sue Mengers warned her pal Lorne Michaels that he simply could not bring Fey out of the writers’ room and put her on-air for Weekend Update. ‘She doesn’t have the looks,’ Mengers told him.”
• [Continued] “’Lorne brought her over to my house when she was head writer,’ Mengers recalls. ‘She was very mousy. I thought, Well, they gotta be having an affair. But they weren’t. He just appreciated her talent. And now, suddenly, she’s become this sexy, showing-tit, hot-looking woman. I said to Lorne, “What the fuck did she do?”’”
• [On ordering lunch] “’I really wasn’t heavy in high school,’ Fey recalls over lunch one afternoon at Café Luxembourg, where she dutifully switches her order from a B.L.T. to a salad.”

Ugh.

Look, I get that this is Maureen Dowd writing for Vanity Fair and this is all very Hollywood/celebrity/Fey could choose to be a regular citizen/but no, really, Ellen, seriously, you don’t even understand, the camera adds 10 pounds, etc. I understand that it’s necessary and will move units and woo-hoo, money.

I’m just pissed as a reader—as a woman, as a Tina Fey fan, as a less than stellar sartorial wizard, as someone who herself could probably stand to drop a few lbs. and coincidentally sports “Tina Fey glasses” (as they were known pre-Palin) and who occasionally reminds her boyfriend of Liz Lemon—that what we have here is an excruciatingly thorough profile of a famous woman’s weight loss that then pinpoints as the sole source of this woman’s fame an ability to impersonate the hottest piece of ass ever to reside in Alaska.

Call me nutty, but I really wanted more of Fey in person here—more of the story behind the goofy dances she pulled during the photo shoot, maybe. Sure, there’s the whole Greek/German dichotomy—HO, HO, SHE IS FUNNY AND ORGANIZED!!!—but it’s like, really? Really, Maureen Dowd? You had cocktails in Tina Fey’s apartment and this is the best you can do?

Let’s talk about Bitch is the new Black and about that Rachel Dratch business (what if Dratch went from mousy to MEGAZOMG!!!?) and, oh, I know: Tina Fey, as a feminist and successful woman, what’s it like knowing that most everyone who will read this article will think it’s all just ’cause you wisened up and got hot?

Barf.

Oh, and Dowd, you could have at least mentioned Baby Mama.

Oh well. There’ll always be Sesame Street.

Tags: ANGRY ELLEN, LINDSAY LOHAN PARIS HILTON NUDE NAKED LOL, MAUREEN DOWD, SESAME STREET, tina fey, VANITY FAIR