Dave, because you've always seemed like a swell dude, I'd hate to have to think of you rooting for the Celtics. Here is how I forgave Kobe (and I really, truly hated him for a few years):

It's the same way I manage to read T.S. Eliot despite the fact that I find him to be a reprehensible man. I try to take a New Criticism approach to his work, and only consider his poems within their own boundaries, without letting outside considerations (such as his anti-Semitism and religious orthodoxy) sour my taste too much. Of course, the argument can be made that his orthodoxy (and to a lesser extent his anti-Semitism) had a profound influence on his writing, and that it's impossible to ignore its presence, just as it can be argued that it's impossible to ignore Kobe's personality and arrogance on the court. It's part of what makes him the competitor he is. But the fact is that on the court, Kobe can be as poetic as Eliot; I do my best to simply appreciate that for what it is.

So that's my method: employing New Criticism, the literary theory designed by the horrid anti-Semite T.S. Eliot, to shave away the SportsCenter coverage as best I can, and focus on the parts of Kobe that are truly beautiful. Specifically--ok, maybe solely--his basketball abilities.

Thanks, Mike ... that's pretty impressive. I'll try it. And, by the way, are you going to be grading the final on the curve?

Unbelievable! A reader, Mike Guardabasico, posts an intelligent comment and has the "courage of conviction" to use his real name.

I know, Dwight K. Snider, but I think his REAL name is "Mike Guardabascio." It's a surprise spelling.

Dave, that comment nearly makes up for 24 years of Gwardabaskio, Grabinskio, and inexplicably, on a soccer trophy, Vuardbuskilo. Consider that final passed with flying colors.

And Dwight, I only use my real name because I wrote for the District for some months after they first started up, and I'm trying to sate the demands of my rabid and adoring public by throwing them a few scraps here on the website. If I hadn't worked for them I'm sure I'd post comments under LBSxBoY or something.

Dunno, Dave -- sadly, the first step is to recognize that you have a problem that extends well beyond your feelings for a self-important, petulant, justice-purchasing multimillionaire athlete. If you don't do that, nothing else can help you with your anger.

If you genuinely want to put your Kobe hate aside, take the red pill and wake up. Recognize that, as a person who uses athletes as emotion receptacles, you are no longer a sports fan. You are a sports MEDIA fan, something actually harmful to your mental health. Eliminating your hatred of Kobe may be as simple as ceasing to be a sports media fan and becoming once again a sports fan.

To do this -- sorry, cold turkey. NO SPORTS MEDIA FOR YOU! Do two things for the remainder of the finals:

1. Attend all the games in person (heh-heh), or watch the games with the sound off--you know, like you're actually intending to watch the game, and

2. Don't read about the games or watch video clips or listen to audio about the games afterward. NO MEDIA! If you happen to miss a game, you are only allowed to learn about it by asking someone else to describe it to you. (This exercise will also help you to identify the sports media fans in your life -- their game accounts will be sketchy, incomplete and invariably histrionic. You'll want to listen to someone who actually watched the game.)

As you proceed through the finals, use the intensity of your feelings about Kobe as a guide to how deep a sleep you still need to wake from. When you finally see Kobe and his teammates and his opponents and his fellow professional athletes as corruptible humans, like all of us, but unlike us in their being ludicrously remunerated in an industry designed and callibrated by tailors working with invisible cloth, your anger will be gone. And, believe it or not, you'll still like basketball -- as basketball. And you'll like Mr. Bryant as a basketball player, which, media assertions to the contrary, is really all he is to you.

After awakening, you will discover many interesting things about people who choose to talk about sports with you. They will tell you exactly who they are, what they really think of the world, and what they really think about you, all without intending to. Be prepared for this flood of new information, which can at first be disorienting, but which will also allow you to play the best poker of your life. In fact, I'm playing Sunday, with some people I've never met who I'll be watching the game with beforehand. I like my chances.

Or you can take the blue pill and continue to slumber. It lets you stay in Wonderland, measuring out your life in the coffee spoons of ESPN's latest manufactured outrage and continuing to displace your emotions onto professional athletes who don't know you. You will likely find it even easier to converse about sports with others who want to sleep through life. Genuine human voices, however, will wake you to a watery death, so you'll want to stay away from those.

Dare to eat a peach! Or shall you wear your hate of Kobe and walk upon the beach? I hear the gamecasters calling each to each, but they do not call to me.

"If I thought my answer were given knowing you would certainly return as a sleeper to the sports world, I would not share it. But since never from this abyss of recognition has anyone ever returned thoughtless to a sports bar, without fear of infamy I answer you." (with apologies to Dante -- and that's Aligieri, not Culpepper)

Hey D. Peeve! Would you please e-mail me at dave@thedistrictweekly.com.....pleeeez?