Okay, we shouldn’t be saying this because they’re the competition and all, but here’s a perfect example of how to make us read–or not read–the Press-Telegram.

You may have seen it: a story by Kelly Puente with the headline “Driver arrested after vehicle plows into Norwalk liquor store.” That’s boring. The story’s okay–but the headline puts us to sleep.

If you look at it online, though, you get an added bonus: it also appears under the P-T’s most-viewed stories window with this headline: “Woman crashes car, tries to buy six-pack.”

Now that’s a story we can get behind–right up there with “Dad Roasts Devil Tot.”

And that really is the story (”Woman crashes car, tries to buy six-pack”, not “Dad Roasts Devil Tot”). It’s a classic little newspaper yarn that, properly packaged, is part of the reason everyone used to read newspapers.

As Puente writes, 74-year-old Lynn Rice “crashed her 1988 Cadillac into the front window of Joe’s Food Mart, 10641 E. Imperial Highway, at 6:10 p.m., causing about $8,000 in damages, said Lt. Jenny Ha of the Norwalk Sheriff’s Station.”

And then? “After plowing half-way through the store, Rice got out of the car, walked over to the cooler and pulled out a six-pack of Budweiser, said the store owner, who gave his last name, Awada,” Puente explains.

My stars.

“The crash apparently didn’t slow her down,” Puente writes. According to the P-T, Rice tried to pay for her six-pack, but the cashier reserved the right to refuse service to anyone–especially Rice, right then–and telephoned police.

And we all know what happened then: the police showed up. Rice was taken to the hospital for a pre-existing medical condition, and later arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence.

Apparently the store owner was none too surprised.

“We’ve been through it before,” he told the P-T.

So have we. Boring headlines kill our interest every day, costing us our will to read.

Which is why we give to the Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can’t Write Headlines Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too.

(Not really. But if there were such a Center, we’d certainly think about asking you to give money to it. You have too much money as it is.)

Tags: Awada, Budweiser, Cadillac, California, Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good And, driving under the influence, Joe's Food Mart, Kelly Puente, Long Beach, Lynn Rice, norwalk, Norwalk Sheriff's Lt. Jenny Ha, press telegram, Southern California, The District Weekly, Theo Douglas