Tues | May 22 Busy.

Wed | May 23 Long Beach beaches are rated the most polluted in the state in a study released today by Heal the Bay. That’s all of Long Beach’s beaches. Whereas other cities had a specific filthy beach—Malibu’s Surfrider, LA’s Castlerock—Long Beach went with the all-inclusive plan, which is why the city had the simple designation of “All” next to it. Heal the Bay’s Mark Gold said it was “a mystery” why Long Beach’s beaches are so polluted, though everyone seems to agree it’s never a good sign when ocean water begins to rust. Mystery? Hmmm, I’m no oceanographer but do you think it might have something to do with the oil derricks and the tankers and the port and the breakwater that eliminates the natural filtration of waves? Anyone familiar with Long Beach knows that not only do you not go into the city’s water, you don’t make eye contact with it for fear it will give you hepatitis or steal your credit cards. The only people who go into Long Beach water are disappointed Midwesterners and immigrant workers. Not long ago I saw a woman, pants rolled up, run into the water with her friends and then, to my already heightened horror, proceed to fill her mouth with water—Long Beach water—and spit it playfully at her friends. I quickly turned away, uninterested in witnessing her inevitable fine misting.

Thurs | May 24 Well, they finally caught Reggie the Alligator, who, after taking up residence in Harbor City’s Machado Lake, had spawned a cottage industry for T-shirt makers and local news outfits. His capture was played big, as his transport by truck to the LA Zoo was covered by local news helicopters—much like the O.J./Bronco chase, the exception being that Reggie’s not a mankiller or slated to be Jerry Falwell’s bunkmate in hell.

Fri | May 25 A Press-Telegram editorial comments on the amazing achievement of Poly High grad Samantha Larson, who, at the age of 18, scaled Mt. Everest last week, making her the youngest person to climb the Seven Summits—the tallest mountains on each continent. Larson’s achievement is a worldwide sensation—except in the P-T, which thinks this will just angry up the blood of local teens. Of Larson, the P-T says:

“We see a young woman who can inspire others to set goals and work toward them. We wouldn’t want to see every teen from Long Beach climb mountains, but we would like to see them visualize their own Everests—college admission, a trade school education, an independent business—and start climbing.”

Uh, thanks, Dad. You know what, if every teen in Long Beach wants to climb a mountain, you have The District’s permission. Gee, you think that Long Beach ’s regrettable inferiority complex has anything to do with having 100 years of a local paper that thinks it’s a bad thing for local kids to aim too high, that we’d all be better off settling for attainable goals like lawnmower repair or hosting the finale of some lame bike race?

Sat | May 26 Personal business.

Sun | May 27 More.

Mon | May 28 It’s Memorial Day and the news channels are not only rife with the usual images of cemetery services but Americans saying “thank you” to our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan, because that’s how this war is going to be won: not by using less energy or by demanding more from our political and military leaders, but through old-fashioned good manners. Yeah, if there’s one thing that terrifies an enemy combatant fighting a centuries-old tribal war, it’s proper etiquette. The most popular “thank you” program highlight on TV is one where volunteers put together care packages of CDs and Beanie Babies for soldiers. Everyone—the TV reporters, the volunteers—is smiling their self-satisfied smiles because they are “doing their part.” You know what? They’re not. They’re putting crap in a box. Our troops are walking around with 50-pound packs in 100-degree heat, trying to avoid getting killed by someone or something every two-and-a-half minutes. How they find the courage, energy and resourcefulness to stay alive amidst that is beyond me, but I do know it has nothing to do with the frigging Tim McGraw CD sitting under their cot. So do us all a favor: stop saying “thank you.” Stop saying “thank you” and start yelling ugly stuff at politicians, especially the Commander in Chief, who is not worthy of our soldiers’ service. You want to do your part? Send them a care package with some decent body and vehicle armor—you might also enclose sunblock and a clear objective for the war. And stop saying “thank you.” If I’m on fire, I don’t want you to thank me for being on fire, I want you to get a hose and put me out. All “thank you” means any more is “Thank you for making it easy for me to not do anything. Thank you for allowing me to not stand up and demand your safe return. Thank you for saving me the hassle of being called unpatriotic.” One hundred and four of them died in April so it could be so. Another 103 have died so far this month. Stop saying “thank you.” You are killing them with kindness.

Tags: iraq, long beach water, reggie the alligator