TUES NOV. 13: JIMMY CARTER’S “I’M GONNA FLY ALL UP IN YOUR BUTTRESS”

 Tues | Nov 13 The South Bay Daily Breeze reports that Los Angeles city employees were paid to “volunteer” to build homes for low-income families in San Pedro and South Los Angeles. This upsets some people who feel this arrangement breaks the sacred trust between employees and the public they serve, that trust being that city employees will never serve the public. The employees, who inexplicably worked for the city’s Housing Department, built the homes with Habitat for Humanity and former President Jimmy Carter. (Does the man’s blood lust know no bounds?) Really, though, I find it hard to get upset about this—government employees sign up for a lot of weird duties. Just this week, local law enforcement officials reported their undercover findings about the goings on at Sugarwalls, a topless club they suspected of offering sex to clients. The report included mentions of buttocks, buttock genitalia, buttock cleft and flying buttresses, though that last one could have something to do with building a house. Anyway, the “volunteer” issue brings up the larger issue of public versus private interests and begs even the larger question: Whatever happened to Sheena Easton? Well, in 2004, she was inducted into the Casino Legends Hall of Fame at the Tropicana Resort & Casino along with fellow Las Vegas legends Debbie Reynolds, Ben Vereen and Tempest Storm. In 2005, her song, “Sugar Walls” came in at No. 40 on VH1’s “40 Most Awesomely Bad Dirty Songs Ever.” Outrageously, the Divinyls “I Touch Myself,” a great song, was actually on the list at No. 22, one slot behind Rod Stewart’s “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy” and one ahead of Jimmy Carter’s “I’m Gonna Fly All Up In Your Buttress.”

Wed | Nov 14 Lakewood resident Clifford Sung has his 1995 Honda Civic crushed flat by order of a judge. Sung was accused of being a street racer and the judge believed this was the only way to ensure that he wouldn’t engage in this dangerous behavior. Well, I’d like to speak to Mr. Sung directly. Mr. Sung, I can’t be certain whether you took part in this potentially deadly behavior, but I did own a 1995 Honda Civic. The judge did you a favor.

Thurs | Nov 15 Not so much.

Fri | Nov 16 Orange County Sheriff Mike Carona, presently under federal indictment for trying to line his pockets—and those of his wife and mistress—with ill-gotten gains, is stripped of his national security clearance, which means he will no longer have access to The Big Book of Who’s Gay in Hollywood. Carona losing his security clearance brings up the bigger question: Exactly what do you have to do to lose your security clearance? This guy has been under federal investigation for years and has been known to associate with many unsavory characters, yet they only yank his clearance now? Let’s see, we live in a world where the government tells us it’s necessary to monitor our phone calls, scrutinize our e-mails, hang cameras in our bathrooms and force us to go shoeless at the airport. Yet some guy who’s head of the second largest sheriff’s department in the state starts hanging out with the cast of The Sopranos and he’s still able to get access to the tapes of Hillary Clinton pooping.

Sat | Nov 17 In a very funny post on our “Staff Infection” blog, Daniel de Boom chronicles an appearance by former Watergate stoolie John Dean at the Long Beach Public Library. According to de Boom, Dean, in town to promote his latest laugh riot Broken Government: How Republican Rule Destroyed the Legislative, Executive and Judicial Branches, started his talk by scolding the Press-Telegram for not publicizing his appearance: “They had no problem giving Bush a big welcome when he came to town,” he said. Now, I’m not one to be defending the P-T and certainly not W, but how many exits past deluded are you to think that your appearance is somehow as newsworthy as the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES? I’m not saying this in that “Well, he is the President so he deserves our respect” kinda way. I’m just saying that in a very real, practical news judgment kinda way—he’s the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES and you’re the nation’s most honored fink. So, John, cool down. Your snitchery helped save the country. But when you start equating yourself in significance to the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, you just come off sounding stupid. Best leave that to the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

Sun | Nov 18  I wonder.

Mon | Nov 19 The Metropolitan Water District of Southern California begins pumping flouride into Orange County’s water supply. Addressing some fears associated with the flouride, ranging from the understandable (unknown health risks) to the ridiculous (possible mind control properties of flouride), a water district spokesman said “ALL WILL BOW! LONG LIVE THE METROPOLITAN WATER DISTRICT OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA! DRINK YOUR WATER!” Residents are encouraged to relax or, as the spokesman put it, “FEAR ME!”

Tags: buttress, jimmy carter, metropolitan water district, sheriff carona, street racing