Tues | Jun 5 You know, people ask me why I work here. “What are you doing, Steve? You’re so much better than that. So much better than them. You’re so awesome. So totally, totally awesome.” And while there’s much truth to what they say, it’s at this point I have to remind Will that he’s the publisher of The District and really shouldn’t be playing favorites, so I demur. “Oh, I dunno,” I say. “They’re not a bad bunch. I’m not that much better than them.” “What? Are you crazy? You’re waaaaaay better than all of them. Stop demurring. I hate when you demur. I swear to God if you demur just one more time I don’t know what I’ll do.” And then follows the usual compendium of people whose world I rock and so on. Anyway, the truth is, I work here because I got up this morning, turned on my computer, went to my company e-mail and this popped up from District managing editor Ellen Griley:

i
feel
like
death
will
call
as
soon
as
my
hangover
is
done
killing
me

That is why I work here. Happy Birthday, Ellen.

Wed | Jun 6 It’s hard to get mad at Dana Rohrabacher in the same way that it’s hard to get mad at that old dog of yours—the one who is near death, has lost its mind and is right now wheelchairing his rectum across your beige carpet. It doesn’t know any better. Likewise, the Republican congressman from Huntington Beach (who also represents parts of Long Beach and San Pedro), spends much of his time these days wiping his butt all over the floor of Congress—a long stretch from the back bench, of course, but he manages—not to mention his ill use of the Constitution and the good sense of those he represents. Commenting on a group of hard-liners in California’s Hmong community who were arrested this week for plotting to overthrow the communist government of Laos, Rohrabacher defended the right of Americans to overthrow foreign governments. “This seems to be a situation where they’re targeted because they are engaged in an effort to forcefully bring down the Laotian dictatorship,” Rohrabacher said. “I don’t think that’s anything that should worry Americans.” No, why should it bother Americans that people armed only with a love of democracy and enough money to recruit mercenaries and to buy weapons (including anti-tank missiles, grenade launchers and C-4 explosives) are living among them? They’re freedom lovers, aren’t they? They’re fighting for the greater good, aren’t they? Never mind that that’s precisely the logic of people plotting our deaths in Saudi Arabia and other points due crazy. Americans have always been bad when it comes to double standards, but gradually I think people are starting to realize that if we don’t want our people tortured, we shouldn’t torture. And that if we are going to demand that other nations arrest people aiming to kill us that we’d better get busy arresting too. But I think everyone understands that. Now would someone go clean up the mess Rohrabacher made in the front yard?

Thurs | Jun 7 Read the Summer Issue.

Fri | Jun 8 Seriously, why are you still reading this? The rest of this is about hockey and torture, pretty much one and the same when you think about it. Read the Summer Issue. I highly recommend Chris Ziegler’s piece on ancient Long Beach, Ellen Griley’s piece on romantic indulgence, Dave Wielenga’s piece about sporting it up and Theo Douglas’s piece about San Pedro. I hesitate to recommend my own piece on sunless summer fun, mostly because I haven’t written it yet.

Sat | Jun 9 More than 15,000 fans show up at Honda Center to celebrate the Stanley Cup champion Ducks of Anaheim, who beat the Ottawa Senators 6-2 to win the Cup Wednesday. It’s a wonderful win for the Ducks and their fans, who have suffered through 13—count ‘em—13 long seasons before winning the championship. More than a few people have noted how devastating a win this is where the Los Angeles Kings are concerned. Their fans have waited for a moment like this and always assumed their boys would be first to bring the Cup to the West Coast. What must be especially galling for Kings fans is that the last three champions—Tampa Bay, Carolina and Anaheim—are warm-weather teams created out of the hockey-mania that followed Wayne Gretzky’s move to the Kings. That trade pushed the league’s popularity to new, though not necessarily long-lasting, heights. The Stanley Cup final averaged a record low 1.6 rating for NBC, with Game Three’s 1.1 rating making it the lowest-rated prime time show in history.

Sun | Jun 10 The film Hostel: Part II does poorly in its opening weekend, taking in just $8.75 million. That’s less than half the $19.6 million the original raked in last year. The success of the first Hostel, all about people torturing other people, had many theorizing that Americans had either grown to tolerate and perhaps love torture, what with Gitmo and Dana Rohrabacher—and don’t make me ask you again to get out there and clean up the goddamn front yard. So does the floundering performance of the second film mean Americans have had it with inhumanity? Perhaps. Or perhaps it’s the film’s weak closing dance number.

Mon | Jun 11 Our local minor league baseball team requests that you call it the Long Beach Armada of Los Angeles of California of the United States of North America Including Barrow, Alaska. That’s still easier than the other worst name in sports: World Champion Miami Heat.