Buzz Kill

ILLUSTRATION by BOB AUL

To each and every liquor store owner in Bluff Heights:
As you may or may not be aware of, the Ralphs on the corner of Fourth and Orizaba recently closed for renovations . . . seven months of renovations, to be exact. While this is certainly an inconvenience to me and my neighbors, it’s not so bad: Old Ralphs was horrible, and New Ralphs promises to be the kind of grocery store our neighborhood deserves. What is bad, and terribly disappointing, is how you all have failed to jump at this opportunity to capitalize on what is surely some profitable late-night business. Old Ralphs was open for booze until 1 a.m., but I’ll be damned if there is a liquor store open around here past 11 p.m. What the shit is that? Not only is Bluff Heights/Rose Park the nexus of fraternity/sorority land (ugh), but there are also tons of people here just like me—people who crave a bottle of Smoking Loon, some hummus, and pitas at 11:30 p.m.; or who are prone to heading out to a party (with a 24-pack of Pabst) at midnight. Do your part, guys (clean up your stores, carry some non-crap-food foods, stay open later), and I personally guarantee you will be rewarded. Hell, I’ll even shell out for your liquor-store prices. I’m a generous drunk.

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