MONDAY AUG 6: CHRIS CORNELL’S HEAVENLY VOICE

Tues | July 31 Police arrest 39-year-old Martha Gutierrez for selling black tar heroin to customers in Central Long Beach. Gutierrez is alleged to have sold the drug with her four- and 12-year-old granddaughters by her side, making this the most egregious abuse of Take Your Grandchild to Work day since Dick Cheney brought his grandkids to the eighth circle of hell. “Poppa, my soul hurts!” “That’s how you know it’s working, Pumpkin.”

Wed | Aug 1 Sticky. And not the good kind.

Thurs | Aug 2 Television is rife with replays of skateboarder Jake Brown falling 45 feet during the X Games Big Air competition at Carson’s Home Depot Center. Brown, going an estimated 40 miles per hour when he reached the top of the half-pipe, lost his board and hit bottom so hard that his shoes exploded from his feet in a moment spectators found utterly terrifying and hilarious. Brown sustained a stress fracture in his vertebrae, a concussion, and contusions of his liver and lungs, but the most tragic outcome was the sad realization that running in midair—as Brown did—will not move a person toward safety. LEAVE US OUR DREAMS, X GAMES! Now I have to come up with a new contingency plan in case I’m ever involved in a midair collision or mindlessly run off a cliff while chasing a small bird.

Fri | Aug 3 A friendly note to the Port of Los Angeles police: Hey, I know you’re under a lot of pressure, what with the Port being a prominent terrorist target and the federal government giving you nary a nickel to secure it. Under such circumstances, I imagine the idea of fashioning yourself into a totalitarian paramilitary force is very attractive. Of course, when isn’t it? Paramilitary forces always have the coolest uniforms—usually black, very slimming—often accessorized with skulls/bones/pointy objects. And, well, there’s just something really wonderful about being feared. It’s a turn on. But, fellas, from the looks of things, you still have a ways to go to realize your dream. Just look at what happened today: Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa showed up at the Port of Los Angeles to talk about a new fleet of clean-burning trucks, but all the assembled reporters wanted to ask him about was about his affair with a Telemundo reporter. As the reporters pursued the mayor, you attempted to limit access, progressively using strong-arm techniques, at one point slamming a reporter into a metal container. Now, there are a couple of things wrong with that. First, the slammed reporter was a woman—and though the women’s-lib thing seems to have caught on, people are still inexplicably uneasy when seeing women beaten (unless it’s on TV and/or involves anyone currently doing Flavor Flav. Also, Ann Coulter running in midair to no avail is acceptable. Very). Second—and this is much more important—when you are beating women, you want to do so OUT OF VIEW OF CAMERAS. A bunch of reporters videotaped you slamming the reporter—and the one with the best shot, ironically, was Telemundo. If we learned anything from the KGB, the Stassi, and the private army that compels people to attend Adam Sandler movies, it’s that you must always act with discretion. Everyone yearns for an iron fist, but no one likes a show off.

Sat | Aug 4 I am happy because today’s Press-Telegram sports section featured this headline: “Dale Jr. finally earns pole.” It appeared over an Associated Press story about NASCAR’s Dale Earnhardt, Jr. earning the lead spot, or pole, for Sunday’s Pennsylvania 500. I am even happier as I read the story, because in it Earnhardt says earning the pole is “huge” and goes on to wax about pole thusly: “I try to get them, man, but they’re hard to get.” And, “I don’t put a lot of emphasis on poles. I probably do that because I don’t get them so often.” You do know they have a pill for that now, right?

Sun | Aug 5 California Secretary of State Debra Bowen decertifies the electronic voting machines used in Los Angeles County, causing alarm as to whether the county will be ready for February’s Presidential primary, while angering the 7.3 percent of the electorate who were planning on voting. Bowen decertified the InkaVote Plus machines after concerns were raised about hackers. Bowen’s office became suspicious when Star Trek’s: The Next Generation’s Data was elected to several local water boards.

Mon | Aug 6 Oh, to sing like Chris Cornell. Whether with Soundgarden, Audioslave, or on his own, he has one of the great rock voices going, managing to sing with tremendous power while never losing control or blowing out the back of his head. I saw Cornell last night as he closed the OC Fair’s Summer Concert Series at the Pacific Amphitheatre. This year the series included the likes of Willie Nelson, Queens of the Stone Age, Earth, Wind & Fire, She Wants Revenge, Kenny Loggins, and Fergie. I remember when the Fair lineup was so lame that the series headliner was “Weird” Al Yankovic. But this year’s lineup made one thing very clear: whether we’re fans of Fair performers Lynyrd Skynyrd, Tears for Fears, or Martina McBride, we all agree that Kenny Loggins totally blows.

Tags: chris cornell, kenny loggins, port security