By Michael Guardabascio

Are you lonely? Horny? The kind of man who would rather have sex with a flashlight than cultivate any kind of meaningful “human” relationship? If so, the makers of the Fleshlight have you covered. Boasting “Real Feel Superskin” and a terrifying array of customizations, there are enough options with the Fleshlight to ensure you can find the lubricated illuminating device of your dreams. It’s even available with one of four openings: the three you’d expect, and a “non-descript” model that looks like a child’s coin jar. The website says it’s for someone who’s “a bit shy about their toys,” which I’m guessing isn’t really their target audience. You can also choose from among six kinds of inner casing, from Wonder Wave to Speed Bump. I haven’t tried one myself, but it comes very recommended by this creepy guy I knew in college. $59.95. AVAILABLE AT FLESHLIGHT.COM